Welcome to Poopingham!
'Hamsters try to get by calling it the "city of subdued excitement," but my dad always called Bellingham "the city without a soul." Things here tend to take off... then vaporize like a fart on the wind. And not a particularly stinky fart. And not with a particularly strong wind. That's how easy it is for things to dissipate.
For example: The Blossomtime Parade. When I was little, that parade was amazing. Floats covered with flowers packed back to back. Throngs of people... it was beautiful! A true example of small-town togetherness and pride. Now... stupid cars drive down the street with upper middle class MILFs waving from the back of Cadillacs acquired along with their second marriages. Um... pass.
This year, the parade committee couldn't even come up with a theme. We've had themes since the parade began in 1920. But in 2017 the committee looked at each other and said... "Gee... I'm stumped! What do we have besides rain, salmon, Mt. Baker and... oh, gee... what's left?!" So, no theme this year except the hollow ringtone of apathy.
Let me propose a new theme. POOPINGHAM. It's time to face up to the fact that this town is shitty and has been ever since Place Two moved out to the mall, we lost the Cookie Cafe and the Teriyaki Bar changed their recipes. And especially since they tore down the old Silver Beach Elementary and put up that bullshit heartless building. And before Sunset Square went in. That was a mistake nonpareil. Oops.
Bellingham used to be awesome. Shitty-awesome, but still awesome. I want to get back to that town! It was fun! They used to have puppet shows at Tony's (when most people still ordered tea) and brunch at Twin Gables (now a gas station). Sarducci's had that rad pasta bar (now the Elks Club) and you could see movies at a movie theater that posted which movies were playing by the road so you didn't have to drive in to find out what the hell was going on (you suck, new movie theater by Barkley Village). We even had an awesome drive-in movie theater where many babies were conceived!!!
So, 'Hamsters, it's time. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. It's time to admit that until we all do something about it, this place is a smear called Poopingham.
For example: The Blossomtime Parade. When I was little, that parade was amazing. Floats covered with flowers packed back to back. Throngs of people... it was beautiful! A true example of small-town togetherness and pride. Now... stupid cars drive down the street with upper middle class MILFs waving from the back of Cadillacs acquired along with their second marriages. Um... pass.
This year, the parade committee couldn't even come up with a theme. We've had themes since the parade began in 1920. But in 2017 the committee looked at each other and said... "Gee... I'm stumped! What do we have besides rain, salmon, Mt. Baker and... oh, gee... what's left?!" So, no theme this year except the hollow ringtone of apathy.
Let me propose a new theme. POOPINGHAM. It's time to face up to the fact that this town is shitty and has been ever since Place Two moved out to the mall, we lost the Cookie Cafe and the Teriyaki Bar changed their recipes. And especially since they tore down the old Silver Beach Elementary and put up that bullshit heartless building. And before Sunset Square went in. That was a mistake nonpareil. Oops.
Bellingham used to be awesome. Shitty-awesome, but still awesome. I want to get back to that town! It was fun! They used to have puppet shows at Tony's (when most people still ordered tea) and brunch at Twin Gables (now a gas station). Sarducci's had that rad pasta bar (now the Elks Club) and you could see movies at a movie theater that posted which movies were playing by the road so you didn't have to drive in to find out what the hell was going on (you suck, new movie theater by Barkley Village). We even had an awesome drive-in movie theater where many babies were conceived!!!
So, 'Hamsters, it's time. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. It's time to admit that until we all do something about it, this place is a smear called Poopingham.
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